Lately I have found myself feeling wistful for days past. This week I was in the company of several young college students at a CPR course. I was the only college grad among them, probably about ten years their senior. As we waited for the instructor to begin, one girl looked around, bright-eyed, and cheerfully asked what we were all going into. I hadn’t heard that phrase, “going into,” for a long time. Ten years ago it was one of those things I’d hear a lot: “What’s your major?” “What’re you going into?” This time I had to laugh to myself because I’m not going into anything anymore. I’m there. I’m in it.

All these young people around me were on the brink of their adulthood. What an exciting time! What kind of life will you mold for yourself? What do you want to be when you grow up? That’s when you start to figure things out.

I looked at these girls and thought about what it was like to be where they are, living life a little more carefree than I do now. Life was less about others and more about me, then. I took care of myself and myself alone. My focus was school, my part-time job, being social, having fun when I wasn’t studying or in class or taking a test. I may have felt like I was overwhelmed with responsibility, but, looking back, I wasn’t. I was so free and didn’t know it. In some ways, I miss that time.

But as I kept looking at these students, I noticed I was the only one married. The ring on my finger has been there nine years. I remember being where these girls are and wanting so badly to meet The One I Would Marry, whoever he would be. I knew college was important, but I also knew I wanted a companion. I wanted to marry. I wanted a home and a family.

I have that now. I’m in a stable, married, eternal relationship and am building upon that sure foundation with children. I am loved like I never thought I could be loved. I love like I never thought I could love.

With these blessings comes a lot of heavy, adult responsibility. Sometimes I look at myself–with a husband, two kids, a mortgage, insurance payments, medical bills, grocery lists, laundry lists, dirty dishes, dirty toilets, dirty diapers, and all–and I say, “Am I really old enough for all this? When I did I become an adult?”

You’re hardly ever alone anymore, with kids. When you’re single, you don’t want to be alone forever. And then, once you’re not alone, you’re really not alone. You can’t even use the bathroom alone. If you try to, either the toddler sits outside whining and banging on the door, or he’s in the other room pulling books off the shelves or pushing toys under the stove or taking DVDs out of their cases.

Shopping used to be fun, when I could go to unwind and look at pretty things. Now it’s more of a strategic event, involving careful timing between naps and packing sufficient snacks, drinks, diapers, formula, bottles, backup bottles, toys, etc. And then it becomes an athletic event as you lug not only the kid supplies but the kids themselves through a store in a cart, stroller, baby carrier, or gripping them by the hand or balancing them on a hip–or maybe some combination of these. I don’t go anywhere with both kids unless the store offers carts, and I don’t buy food anywhere that doesn’t have a drive-through.

I used to have time to exercise, uninterrupted. Now I sometimes put my workout clothes on first thing in the morning and stay in them all day long, trying to grab a 20-60 minute period where both kids don’t need anything long enough for me to get something done. I guess it’s good news that the ACSM has found that 10-minute bursts of physical exercise is good enough if you can get several of those in a day. But it is frustrating, trying all day long to get that done and often failing.

I miss not being tired. I miss waking up because my body is ready to wake up, and not because the baby is crying or the toddler is awake next door and banging his bottle against the wall and jumping on the bed.

And, yes, the body isn’t the same after it has carried and borne new life. My feet are bigger. My tummy softer. My legs bumpier with varicose veins and more painful. My back is chronically sore from my last pregnancy, and I don’t fit into the clothes I wore a year ago.

And yet…

How can I say I’m not happy? How can I say I’m not the luckiest, most blessed gal on Earth, with what I have? Even while typing this I paused about eight times for the kids. I played with toys with Wesley. I fed Carissa. I changed both their diapers. I helped Wes brush his teeth. We said prayers together. I asked him for a big hug before bed, and he gave it to me.

When your three-year-old is burying his head in your neck and wrapping his arms around you for a long snuggle, or when your angelic twelve-pound baby is lying relaxed and warm and content in your lap just after a feeding, how can you not be grateful?

I may not feel like I’m old enough, wise enough, ready enough for all that adulthood and parenthood are, but I’m doing it. Sometimes I do miss what life was like before, the simplicity. But I am a life-giver and a life-keeper now. That, I suppose, is good enough.

Wes is 3, Carissa nearly 4 months.

Because today has been a rough day, involving too little sleep, too much to do, a lot of nose wiping and possibly even some yelling, here are a few things I like about my two little kids.

WES

1. Wes has the best laugh when he’s being silly. He opens his mouth really wide and all you see is tongue and you can’t hep but laugh yourself. I love to make him laugh and smile. It is the best part of my job as mom.

2. He is so smart. He knows all his colors and can identify them verbally and by sign language. He knows his numbers and is learning how to count on his fingers. He is also learning the alphabet and likes the ABC song. I wish there was a song for numbers I could sing with him, too.

3. He loves music and has a knack for musical rhythms and beats. He makes up dances to the songs on his musical toys. Every dance is unique to the music, like marching to the march rhythm or twirling to the waltz. Most dances end with jumping.

4. I like to sing songs with him. He is rapt with attention and likes to do the finger plays that go with the words. A newer thing is that he’s starting to verbally sing along to (by repeating the sound of the last word of each phrase).

5. He is silly and loves physical play. He likes it when I say, “I’m gonna get you!” and he has to run away until I grab him and tickle him. He is a jumper and doesn’t need a trampoline for a good time; our floors, couches, and mattresses work fine.

6. Balls are one of his favorite things to play with. The mini basketball hoop is one of his most played-with toys.

7. He has a sensitive spirit. He doesn’t seem to understand discipline yet, but it always makes him tear up and get a pouty lip (which kills me every time). Afterward I ask him for a hug and he always gladly complies. Hugs are the best. He also is concerned when Carissa cries, if anyone on the TV appears to be in pain, or if you are sad yourself.

8. He has a habit of chewing on his fingers, so we’re always reminding him to “take your hand out of your mouth.” He’s started parenting Carissa now, too. When he sees her hand in her mouth, he’ll pull it out and say, “Ous!” (“Out!”)

9. He makes me smile every day.

Wes has lately been using Carissa’s binky.

Look at our new trash can! We finally canned our white trash can that we paid $1 for at the dollar store when we first go married eight years ago. I needed a trash can where the lid doesn’t fall off every time you touch it. And Wes touches it a lot.

Wes and my Dad eating lunch.

Me and Wes.

CARISSA

1. When she first wakes up in the morning she is all smiles. There is nothing better than being greeted by a wide, baby smile first things in the morning–especially when I’m always still tired from the night before.

2. Carissa is so alert and interested in the world around her. She watches Wes play and tries to twist around so she can follow him as he moves.

3. She is great to snuggle with. Babies are fun to hug.

4. I’m not sure if she’s officially laughing yet, but she sure makes giggly-type sounds that are so happy.

5. She is pretty calm all around, unless she’s tired our hungry, and then her cry becomes this dramatic sounding wail, as if the world is about to end if she doesn’t get her milk or sleep RIGHT NOW.

6. I love how after she’s done eating and sleepy her face and body are totally relaxed, and there’s usually milk slipping down her chin.

7. Carissa’s hair is still long and dark, but she has a bald spot on the back of her head. Which usually you can’t see. Her hair is mostly straight, but after a bath, when it’s damp, it’s curly.

8. I’m so impressed by how quickly she’s growing up. She talks a lot, cooing and making noise. She is so beautiful and I’m grateful she’s our baby.

Just after eating, just before bedtime.

Carissa’s curly hair after a bath.

Lately I have been grouchy. “Grouchy” is not a word I have often used to describe myself, but it is now. I attribute it to a consistent, annoying lack of sleep and trying to lose weight. Both those things together leave me emotionally drained, physically strained, impatient, discouraged, and certainly not my best.

I feel bad for John because he gets the brunt of my emotions every day. Poor guy. But he gave me some good advice: Count my blessings. (And “go to bed earlier.” Still working on that one.)

Last night I was hitting a wall of negative thoughts and feelings, had a headache and was tired, and was not at my best. I determined that instead of grouching about everything that seemed bad, I was going to count up the things that were good.

The first thing to make my list was John. He came upstairs as we were scrambling to get out the door for a family dinner and, while I was busy doing something else, asked what he could do to get Wesley ready to go. Blessing #1: John and his every-wonderfulness.

I can’t remember now everything that made the list that night, or what order they came in, but I know John made the list twice. I was at times grateful for a healthy body, good food, kids I love, and a bunch of small, almost trivial things. Taking a moment to recognize the good things I have made me less grouchy and more content with things as they are.

On a related note, lately I’ve been realizing what a treasure my kids are to me. It’s hit me more now that I have two of them. I always knew I loved Wesley, when we had just him, but multiplying one to two makes my awareness greater. They are so precious. I don’t have a lot of jewelry you could call costly; I think my kids are my gems.

What’s better than a swaddled baby?

Last night we went out for Halloween dinner with my sister and brother-in-law and a couple of friends at a buffet themed with pirates of the seven seas.

We made a new friend. (That’s a real person in there.) He was very scary.

And saw honest-to-goodness swash-buckling sword fighting.

And had some decent food with good friends.

They had lots of prizes to give away, but not a great turnout, so we all came away with something (a Ghirardelli chocolate gift box, in our case). We made s’mores by a fire on the deck, which was a nice break from the chilly mountain air. We had a good time.

On a completely different note, Wes is getting better all the time at repeating words and sounds. Here he is working on some animal names and sounds with one of his toys.

In no particular order…

1. That Wesley sort of smiled for his preschool picture. And that we actually thought to buy a few copies of the picture to keep for future memories. Wes doesn’t smile on demand, so this is a big deal.

I’m not sure why he’s wearing his jacket in the picture. Maybe he wouldn’t let them take it off??

2. This gal who is 2 months old and who smiles whenever you give her attention.

I will, however, be grateful to see her sleeping through the night. I get up with her consistently twice each night. Usually she goes right back to sleep. But then sometimes Wes will wake up and I have to get up to help him go back to sleep…

3. That Wes likes strawberries.

He’s made the sign for them before, but I didn’t know what the sign meant until I caught a snippet of his “Signing Time” DVD where they were signing it. Last night he was on the counter watching me cut strawberries for my meal, and he helped himself to one. I was kind of surprised, but he ate the whole thing and asked for more. Yay for another thing Wes will eat! He ate three more strawberries tonight. He can even kind of say the word: “Dah-Bay.”

4. My Zumba classes that I teach. I worked at a desk for seven years and truly never liked sitting at a desk. Standing in front of loads of people and making them sweat and smile and have so much fun is much more my idea of the dream job. I often come away from class thinking, “I have the best job ever.” Not that being a mom isn’t truly the best job (it is), but there is something so gratifying about a job where people come up afterward and smile and say thank you and tell you what a joy the class is to them. Wes and Carissa aren’t big into thank-you’s.

5. Losing weight. Because I’m finally losing a little more. I’ve been at it (imperfectly, for sure, but consistently, yes) for about six weeks and I’m making progress. I’m getting close to where I was before I got pregnant, and then from there I’ll just be a few pounds from my goal. Not every day is easy. In fact, most days aren’t. But as I keep working at it I gradually get closer to my goal.

6. Wes is getting so smart. He amazes me with how much he knows. Today we were watching “Signing Time,” which had a song about the colors of a rainbow. I looked over at him and he was not only signing the colors but even saying some of the words. Impressive! He is getting really good at colors. And he loves it when we count with him. He holds up his hand as we count 1-10, although he can’t arrange his fingers the right way yet. But he can make sounds that resemble most of the numbers as we count. I also started singing the alphabet song with him, and he is totally into it.

7. Wesley’s preschool teacher is thinking of increasing his school time to four days a week instead of two. I think this will only help him. He is doing so much better verbally since starting, really repeating and imitating sounds. So we’ll see what happens with that.

8. Sleep. In theory, anyway. I should go test that theory.