On Tuesday night (Valentine’s Day, in case you didn’t register that fact) John and I got off work early and he took me to dinner at Olive Garden in Provo.

I’ve never noticed it before, but on Valentine’s Day suddenly couples are everywhere. I bet you didn’t even know that so many people dated or were married in the world. Everywhere I looked, people were walking hand-in-hand, cuddling up, smooching. Walking hand-in-hand with my wonderful husband, I actually felt like I was part of a special, secret club–the Secret Society of Lovers.

Sometimes, on a regular day, when you see two people expressing PDA (whether it’s hand-holding or arms around the waist or kissing), you think, “Gah! Get a room!”

But on Valentine’s Day it’s different. You see a couple engaged in PDA and it’s like, “Hey, look! You’re in the Secret Society of Lovers, too! You go, girl!” It’s an instant bond with people you don’t know.

Members of the SSL come out just once a year, the one day it’s acceptable and even a status symbol to show your love for someone else. I want a card embossed with gold script that says

Shannon
Honored Member of the Secret Society of Lovers Since August 2001

(Present this card at any ice cream establishment for 15 percent discount!)

I’ll keep wishing…

In the meantime, here are two tips for anyone (i.e., guys) planning to take their sweetie out for a special dinner next V-Day:

1) If you want to take her (which, translated, means that she wants to go, so you’d better take her) to a fancy schmancy place like Chef’s Table in Orem, you’d better call for reservations at least three weeks in advance. John wanted to take me (which, translated again, means that I wanted to go and told John he’d better take me) to Chef’s Table, so in late January I suggested that he call to schedule a reservation. Here’s the gist of his phone conversation with the Chef’s Table employee:

John: Hi. Um, I was wondering if I could make a reservation for Valentine’s Day.

Chef’s Table Employee: Sure, no problem. We’ve only got two reservations so far.

John, thinking to self: Phew. Good. My wife won’t hate me, and maybe I won’t even need to get her flowers if I take her here.

Chef’s Table Employee: Let me just go grab the reservation book. Do you mind if I put you on hold?

John: N– (Hold music cuts off his response . . .)

John, fifteen minutes later, still on hold, thinking to self: Hmmm. Maybe I’ll have to get her flowers after all . . .

To sum up, after being on hold for fifteen minutes John finally hung up. He called back a week later, and guess what? The only spot still available was for 9:30 p.m., and if you know me, you know that 9:30 p.m. is practically equivalent to 2:30 a.m. I’m pretty sure I have a trip switch hidden somewhere deep inside me that flips on sleep mode starting between 8:30 and 9 at night.

So, needless to say, we didn’t go to Chef’s Table this year but opted for Olive Garden instead.

Now for tip #2:

2) No matter where you take your sweetie for dinner on Valentine’s Day, be sure you go early. We arrived at Olive Garden at 4:30 and already there was a ten-minute wait. This was nothing compared to when we left Olive Garden at 5:45–a line was coming out the front door and couples were strewn everywhere, waiting to be seated. We’re glad we got in and out early.

(Obviously, this guy’s not a member of the SSL club . . .)

Lately I’ve been learning about good manners by watching other people.

That is to say, I’ve been learning what NOT to do. If you haven’t noticed already, there are a lot of excellent examples, probably even in your very own community, of bad manners.

Track Etiquette 101

Before entering a public four-lane indoor track, you should ask yourself, “Am I here to walk or jog with the express purpose of burning calories and feeling good?” If the answer is, “No, I’m here to look for this guy I have a crush on who’s playing intramural basketball in the center of the track and I want to stand in one or more of the walk/jog lanes reserved for walkers and joggers in order to search for him because he’s hot and I put on extra makeup just in case I saw him,” then you should STAY OFF THE TRACK.

Burp Etiquette 101

When walking down a public hallway (such as in an office) and you feel the urge to belch, you should hold it in until you are sure no one is walking toward you, especially not a gentle-mannered girl who finds burp fumes highly disgusting. If a burp escapes accidentally, do not–repeat, DO NOT–laugh like belching in a total stranger’s face, especially that of a nice, gentle-mannered girl, is the funniest thing since last week’s Saturday Night Live episode. Because IT’S NOT.

(Note: I want to make it clear that in this last example I, of course, would be the “gentle-mannered girl” and not the person burping fumes in someone else’s direction.)

Turning Signal Etiquette 101

Use it. Need I say more?

This month I started attending a step aerobics class in Springville. It’s unlike any step class I’ve ever joined, mostly because it’s actually a combination of step and jazzercize. It’s fun, though, and really convenient since it’s just three minutes from my house.

The class is small–about six women plus the teacher. Our instructor is an older middle-aged woman with three young grandkids and a lot of energy. I’m obviously the youngest member of the class (probably the only one under thirty) and the only one without kids to her name or post-baby fat on her hips.

Even though I knew this, the fact was made more obvious today when after class I walked to my four-door car hidden in the midst of six minivans.

They all drive minivans. The family car. Utah’s I-have-six-kids-with-one-on-the-way vehicle. (Actually, in Utah maybe that would be an SUV.)

I’ve been attending this class for three weeks and today was the first time I felt a little out of my league. Sure, I can bounce around longer than most of them and kick higher. But they all have bigger autos and families than me.

Sigmund Freud said, “If youth knew; if age could,” and I think I see the truth in that.

Have you made your resolution to lose weight yet? If not, why wait? Everyone’s doing it! Jump on the bandwagon! And if you’re not sure you can do it alone, and your wallet is bottomless, then look no further than your local grocery ads, which are loaded this week with all sorts of health and diet products.

Here’s my favorite ad so far, from yesterday’s Smith’s Food and Drug flyer:

Fifty precent off of Lean Cuisine! Low fat, controlled calories, good taste.

Now look more closely.

What do you get when you buy twelve Lean Cuisines?

Yep. That’s right. Two half-gallons of ice cream. A gallon of sweet cream, fat, and sugar to top off your healthy Lean Cuisine diet lunch.

Granted, the ad mentions that you can get Dreyer’s yogurt or Sorbet.

But what does the ad show? Dreyer’s Grand Chocolate Ice Cream. The motherload temptation for all dieters.

Good one, Smith’s.

I have to admit—sly (or maybe just naive) as your ad tactics are, they work.

You’ve got my business coming.

My company is split between two buildings. Last spring they moved me from Glorious Main Building to Cast-off Building in the Boondocks. My company shares the Cast-off Building with a bunch of broadcasters. Since our offices are just cubicles, we can easily hear the sundry noises from the broadcast employees around us. Like a couple weeks ago when I listened to an hour-long heated telephone conversation between the guy across the hall and his apparently soon-to-be-ex-wife.

(And I have to add that I didn’t listen by choice. I was wearing earphones, but his voice carried over my music. )

Given the nature of the broadcasters’ jobs (or at least I assume that’s the excuse they use), there’s a TV at every desk. They can—and do—watch movies, the news, or sitcoms while they, ahem, work. This is very strange to me, especially coming from Glorious Main Building where we weren’t allowed to use instant messenger or even have personal photos as screen savers or desktop backgrounds.

You would think that the Big Head Broadcasters originally purchased the TVs so their employees would watch their TV station. The one they work for.

Hah.

Everyday I know it’s 10:30 a.m. when I hear the M.A.S.H. theme song coming from the broadcaster’s office behind my cubicle. We often work to the tunes of Disney movies or to the voice of Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Yesterday it was Dr. Phil. I overheard the movie Madagascar the day it was released on DVD because Loud Lady diagonal to my cubicle picked it up at Wal-Mart on her lunch break and apparently couldn’t wait to get home to watch it.

The day before Thanksgiving we threw a small shindig for our hard-working employees and projected the movie Madagascar onto the wall of our work room. One of my coworkers overheard Loud Lady griping to a fellow broadcaster, “What are they doing, watching a movie? What kind of work ethics does that company have anyway?”

My coworker couldn’t decide whether to laugh or confront the woman about all the TV-aholics working for her broadcasting company, including Loud Lady herself. She resigned herself to laughter.

And it doesn’t matter that I don’t have any kids yet. I’m still qualified to write about Important Principles I Must Teach Them. It’s the same with baby names. You don’t have to be expecting, or married, or even expecting to be married to pick out fifty different baby names and rank them in decreasing order of preference. People do it all the time, especially in Utah. Most girls already know their top choices for baby names by the time they’ve picked out their ideal engagement ring from the ad inserts in The Daily Universe. Notice that no husband-to-be is required for either selection.

And although I don’t claim to be among the many die-hard Baby Name Pickers, I have seen the list of Utah’s top ten baby names from 2004. Three of my favorites are in the list. Which basically means none of my future kids nor pets nor plants will be named Emma, Emily, or Samantha. I’m pretty sure that Emma’s popularity started to rise after the movie Emma came out in 1996. According to weddingvendors.com, the name Emma rose from #52 in 1996 to #37 in 1997. Which pretty much means that not enough people read these days because the book Emma‘s been around since 1815. A sad, sad commentary on society. (more…)